Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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