Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
