I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
