she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
