Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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