can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
