Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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