Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
