just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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