So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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