threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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