If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
