I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Randomize
