I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
