Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions