Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
So many bounce houses so little time
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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