I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
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We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
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All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie