i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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