if i can run in heels then i can drive
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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