You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
