Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
