Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
