I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
