we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I love you. Go after that dick
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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