I could make wine with my vomit
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
