I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
