Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
