I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
