After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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