But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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