In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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