insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
