Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
porn star boner night. come get it.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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