20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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