I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
this is an emotional support booty call
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
All the doctor said was why
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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