I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
