8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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