we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
