put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
