Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
