Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
