Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
