he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
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Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
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I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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