the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
