What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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