I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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