Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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