Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
