sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
