Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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