Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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