Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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