hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
you made out with another girl for some wings
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
