So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You ruined the universe
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
