I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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